The Healthcare Adventure Park: Where Bankruptcy Meets Bingo!
An Unauthorized User's Guide to the Late Capitalist Zoo
Welcome to HealthCare™ Adventure Park, the Mall-Dome's most thrilling life-or-death experience! Where your financial wellness and physical wellness compete in a gladiatorial battle to see which one survives!
Location: The former site of actual hospitals, now a premium entertainment destination where healing is a luxury experience and dying is a budget option.
Admission: Everything you own, plus your firstborn's college fund.
Cash, credit, organs, and existential dread accepted.
Park Map: Your Journey to Wellness (or Bankruptcy)
ENTRANCE: The Insurance Checkpoint "Please have your pre-authorization ready, and your will notarized."
Before entering, all visitors must navigate the Coverage Maze - a bureaucratic labyrinth where every door leads to a different customer service representative who will explain why your particular situation isn't covered.
Fun Fact: The maze changes daily based on actuarial tables and shareholder expectations!
Thrill Rides:
1. The Prescription Rollercoaster
"Hold onto your wallet - this ride has no brakes!"
Experience the ups and downs of medication pricing! One day your life-saving insulin costs $30, the next day it's $300! It's like a slot machine, but instead of cherries, you're hoping for generic availability.
Special Features:
The Prior Authorization Loop-de-Loop: Spin in circles for 6-8 weeks while doctors' offices play phone tag with insurance companies
The Side Effects Simulator: Experience all the fun of your cure being worse than your disease
The Addiction Station: Where pain relief turns into pain relief subscription services
Height Requirement: Must be tall enough to reach the medicine cabinet, rich enough to afford what's inside
2. The Emergency Room Roulette
"Spin the wheel of medical bankruptcy!"
Step right up to our 24-hour waiting experience! Will you get treatment, or will you get a bill that costs more than your house? It's a surprise every time!
Game Rules:
Land on Red: You get treated, but your insurance claims it was "elective"
Land on Black: You get treated, but the ambulance that brought you wasn't "in-network"
Land on Double Zero: You get treated by an in-network doctor, in an in-network hospital, but the anesthesiologist was out-of-network and also from Mars, apparently
Prizes: Medical debt that follows you to the grave, plus a complimentary stress-induced heart condition
3. The Diagnostic Dark Ride
"Navigate the Unknown with Inadequate Information!"
Board our haunted house of medical mysteries where every symptom could be either nothing or everything! Watch as doctors play 20 Questions with your life while insurance companies play Hard to Get with your claims.
Spooky Encounters:
The Specialist Referral Ghost: Appears only after 3-month wait times
The Test Results Phantom: Vanishes whenever you try to understand them
The Second Opinion Specter: Costs twice as much and disagrees with everything
Warning: May cause WebMD-induced hypochondria and medical bill-induced cardiac events
4. The Mental Health Maze
"Find your way out of the darkness... if you can find a therapist who takes your insurance!"
Navigate our psychological obstacle course where the real challenge isn't healing your trauma - it's finding someone qualified to help who doesn't cost more than your mortgage.
Maze Features:
The Waiting List Wilderness: Wander for 6-18 months
The Medication Roulette Room: Try 47 different pills until one doesn't make you worse
The Stigma Haunted House: Where seeking help is somehow shameful in the land of "personal responsibility"
Easter Egg: Hidden throughout the maze are actual therapists who give a shit, but they're not covered by insurance and cost $200 per session
5. The Preventive Care Carousel
"Round and round we go, but somehow never get ahead!"
Enjoy our vintage merry-go-round where annual checkups are supposed to keep you healthy, but mostly just identify expensive problems you can't afford to fix!
Carousel Horses:
The Mammogram Mare: Finds lumps but not funding for treatment
The Colonoscopy Stallion: Looks for problems in all the wrong places (your wallet)
The Blood Work Bronco: Tells you exactly what's wrong but not how to pay for fixing it
Carousel Music: The sound of medical billing departments on hold, remixed by DJ Debt Collector
Themed Lands:
Big Pharma Kingdom
"Where Miracles Meet Market Forces!"
Enter the magical realm where life-saving medications are priced like luxury handbags! Meet King Insulin and Queen Chemotherapy, benevolent rulers who only want to help... help themselves to your life savings.
Castle Tour: See where research funded by taxpayers gets turned into patents owned by shareholders!
Royal Feast: Dine on generic crackers while watching brand-name medications being served to people who can afford them
Insurance Isle
"The Mysterious Island Where Coverage Goes to Die!"
Explore this tropical paradise where claims are denied and networks are narrow! Watch as pre-existing conditions are treated like criminal records and deductibles grow like invasive species.
Island Activities:
Claim Denial Snorkeling: Dive deep into bureaucratic reefs where your requests disappear
Network Adequacy Fishing: Try to catch an in-network specialist (they're endangered)
Premium Hiking: Climb ever-higher mountains of monthly payments
Seasonal Events:
Open Enrollment Hunger Games
"May the odds be ever in your favor... they won't be."
Every fall, watch as 24 different insurance plans compete to see which one can cover the least while costing the most! It's like fantasy football but with actuarial tables and customer service representatives who've been trained to say "no" in 17 different languages.
Survival Strategies:
The Bronze Plan Gamble: Low premiums, high deductibles, maximum prayer
The Gold Plan Delusion: High premiums, decent coverage, still broke
The "I'll Just Die" Strategy: Surprisingly popular among millennials
Medical Bankruptcy Bingo
"B-12 Deficiency! I-Can't-Afford-It! N-o Coverage! G-oodbye Savings! O-verwhelming Debt!"
Play along as medical bills accumulate faster than vacation days! First to lose their house wins a complimentary stress ulcer!
Bingo Cards Include:
"Surprise medical bill"
"Insurance company error"
"Prior authorization denied"
"Out-of-network anesthesiologist"
"Medical necessity questioned"
Dining Options:
The Cafeteria of Broken Dreams
"Where Hope Goes to Die, But the Jello's Okay"
Menu Highlights:
The Medicaid Meal: Nutritious but stigmatized
The Medicare Buffet: Great if you're 65, useless if you're 64
The Uninsured Special: Whatever you can find in the vending machine
The HSA Salad: Healthy savings account, unhealthy portion sizes
Chef's Special: The Insulin Smoothie - $300 for a cup of something that costs $3 to make
Prescription Café
"Where Every Sip Costs More Than Your Car Payment"
The Antidepressant Latte: Helps with sadness, causes bankruptcy-induced depression
The ADHD Espresso: Helps you focus on how much money you don't have
The Anxiety Reduction Tea: Ironically anxiety-inducing when you see the price
Happy Hour: Never, because medicine doesn't have happy hours
Employee Training Manual Excerpt:
"Remember, team members: Every guest is a potential profit center! When someone says they can't afford treatment, remind them about our payment plan options:
24% APR financing
Organ donation programs
Medical credit cards (bankruptcy sold separately)
GoFundMe account assistance
Thoughts and prayers (complimentary)
If guests complain about prices, explain that healthcare is a business, not a human right. If they ask why other countries do it differently, distract them with freedom statistics and waiting time myths."
Guest Reviews:
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ "I came in for a broken arm, left with a broken spirit and a broken bank account! 10/10 would avoid again!" - Sarah, everywhere
⭐⭐ "The staff was very friendly while bankrupting me. Professional financial destruction!" - Mike, who used to have savings
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ "My child's cancer treatment was so expensive, I had to sell my other children! But the doctors were very nice about it." - Jennifer, living in her car
⭐ "Died in the waiting room, but they still charged my estate for the chair rental." - Robert's Ghost
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Why does healthcare cost so much? A: Because shareholders need to eat too! And they have expensive appetites.
Q: What if I can't afford treatment? A: Have you tried not being poor? It's very effective.
Q: Why doesn't insurance cover what I need? A: Insurance covers what insurance companies need - profit margins.
Q: Can I just die instead? A: Dying is also expensive! But we offer payment plans for that too.
Q: What about preventive care? A: Prevention is great! We prevent you from accessing affordable healthcare very effectively.
Safety Warnings:
Do not attempt to understand medical bills - this may cause cognitive dissonance and uncontrollable laughter
Keep your insurance cards away from actuarial tables - they may spontaneously combust
If you experience symptoms of financial wellness, report to Medical Billing immediately for corrective treatment
Emergency exits are located at Canadian and Mexican borders
Gift Shop: Trauma & Treasure
Popular Souvenirs:
"I Survived Healthcare" t-shirts (if you're reading this, you probably didn't)
Medical debt snow globes (shake to simulate financial avalanche)
Prescription bottle piggy banks (ironic, since they're always empty)
"My Medical Bills Went to Collection" postcards
Exclusive Item: "I Chose Between Food and Medicine" lunch boxes (comes empty, naturally)
Remember: At Healthcare Adventure Park, your health is our business - literally. We've monetized your suffering and turned your wellness into our wealth.
The real question isn't whether you can afford healthcare...
It's whether healthcare can afford to let you live.
💊🏥💸
Next week: "The Education Exploitation Expo: Where Dreams Go to Accumulate Interest!"
-E